The vast nothingness into which I’ve whispered many “I love you”s swallows my sentences whole and promises that they will never be heard by you
No text or call accompanies my long ride home and I wonder if you are sound a sleep, not a single thought of me entering your slumber
It’s twenty five miles on the fifty five freeway that I have to think about how you turn in your sleep. How the muscles in your arms twitch under my resting head as we both fall into a world of our own, as we have done many times before.
But today is different
Today I walked away, thinking that the choice I made was for the best. My world falls apart like a doll made of straw and you’re blaming me for this heartache.
Soon I will conquer the world in my cap and gown and move far away from this place but when I look at you, I see our worlds remain untouched and unsullied by expectations of conventional love.
I am me because you are you and nothing has changed…except for the fact that I am a mountain and I stand between you and a happiness which far exceeds one that you can even see now. I am bend in the river. I am a fallen tree within your path, one that simply needs to be crossed over and left behind.
I’m grasping for your touch but it’s absence is my doing.
I’m waiting for the exhalation of your breath on my neck but it never comes and I know it’s because I made that choice.
But it was all for you, my sweet and I wish you knew that. I wish you knew that every breath I take now carries with it a sliver of my pain. A hopeful messenger that wishes to share it’s worries and aches with you.
I am a song without lyrics.
I am a wind without the chill.
I am a bed without warmth.
And it’s all because of you….but mostly because of me.
Several Sunny Days 