This is a story. This story is about a girl. This is a story about a girl who was overwhelmed by the world. Her story is all-consuming and cycles through both the good and bad, as many girl’s stories begin.
This girl was afraid to speak. She was afraid to open her mouth and utter the truth. She sobbed the first day of elementary school music class because she didn’t have her parents permission to play an instrument. This girl needed to be loved.
This is the story about a girl who felt smaller and more fleeting that the wind in each shallow breathe she passed, waiting to be told how much she mattered. This is a story about a girl who locked herself in the closet because she was afraid of herself…and afraid of being attacked by words that stung and cut deep into her skull…and even more afraid of the men who might come to take something of hers she hadn’t given permission to take. This girl grew up misguided. Untrusting. Begrudging those who had made it near impossible to speak.
This little girl grew up and found things. This story is about the things she found and how she used them over and over again to cure her of her ever-present fear that one day, not too far in the future…someone would confirm her insignificance. This is the story about a girl who found boys and replaced her constant fear of incompetency with their affection….and when that didn’t work, she replaced their affection with a blade.
This girl was expected to succeed. Expected to excel. This girl was not inspired to, but expected to, be great…and that’s exactly what she did…or tried to be at least. Constant affection could not remove the dull pain of rejection or abuse or mental masochism…so she went on. Boy after boy turned into man after man and this girl wondered if it would ever end…a constant result shown through in each of her sojourns into liberation: She wasn’t pretty. She wasn’t talented. She wasn’t smart. She wasn’t “right”
This story about a girl turned into one about a girl and a boy. A boy so masterful at the art of storytelling, that ever utter of affection sent this girl to the moon…and made her believe that this time, the pain may subside. This boy made her feel special and important and taken-care of…which she had never truly felt before. This boy built lies around this girl like cards in the shape of a cage, blocking out all other light, but keeping her enthralled in his stories.
This boy had found another girl….and had been for some time. The cards that fell broke every illusion she had. Every feeling of trust, trust that she felt would never falter, instantly shattered. Weakness and self-deprecation took hold of this girl and blades weren’t the only thing she used to prove how worthless she was. Brick walls, sinks, forks, pencils….until she was taken and shaken and moved and isolated and finally…talked to.
Someone cared again…not a boy…not a friend. This girl found a listener who told her who she was living life for and how she had come to such a lonely and helpless state. This girl listened as the listener herself spoke of hidden power, unrequited love, relentless dedication to continued self-excellence…and the girl began to believe what she was being told.
This is the story about a girl who has since emerged from the shadows and into the light on her own accord. This is the story about a girl who is now labeled ‘cautious’ but brave. Being burned by a fire makes you more weary when you start to feel the heat come close and the girl knew that, one day she would extinguish that fire herself…and maybe find someone to show her it was real.
This girl saw her life change in the most beautiful ways….and though this cautious girl still struggled with her life and her self-doubt and occasional self-deprecation…she lived to the fullest and drank every moment of life as if its sweet taste (each moment) could never be replicated again.
In bouts of healing and growing this girl….met this boy. He was unabashedly excited for life and took her by the hand to prove a point and the point was this: you cannot wait for the slings of misfortune to misguide your life down an untraceable path. We make our destiny based upon the goodness we share with others…and this girl couldn’t agree more.
But.
Feelings of doubt surfaced, just as they always had….not about this boy….but because this, all of this, just seemed too close to her fantasy. Was this another house of cards? Was this the beginning of another end? Had she been lead to meet this boy for a reason?
How could he ever understand that her fear for the future, matched her excitement for it. This girl herself could not understand what exactly was different about this boy…only the fact that something was different. Something was very different about this boy.
This is the list she made in hopes that a small attempt at conveying her deepest emotions may prove to be useful:
1. Respect that I love you…..I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this list if I didn’t
2. Grow with me…just as I with you and however much longer we have to grow together will only teach me a better, more fulfilling way to live life.
3. Show me….patience and understanding. Though the fire is long gone, the embers burn as their slow descent to into non-existence cause me to forget how blessed I truly am to be with you.
4. Teach me…how you are as strong away from me as you are with me.
5. Understand that, I will never stop fighting for what I believe to be right. I will never stop dreaming 5 steps ahead because I have to believe that good is waiting for all of us. I will never stop loving you, in some form or another.
Most importantly ..this girl did not call upon the demons of her past to banish the stress of her present. She is happily living a life that has no script. That is a story about this girl.
Several Sunny Days 